Freedom of Information
by Hawkwitch
Summary: Bernard's celebrations of his 20th wedding anniversary were a major piss-up, really, alas. Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank got into a fight, which ended in a gravely embarrassing way. Sir Arnold is not the least impressed when he hears about it and has a few strong words with The Gentlemen. Warnings: violence, foul language. PG-13


**Title:** Freedom of Information  
**Characters:** Sir Arnold, Sir Humphrey, Sir Frank, Bernard, Jumbo  
**Genre:** Humour  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** foul language, violence, sarcasm  
**Summary:** Side-story to canon. Bernard's celebrations of his 20th wedding anniversary were a major piss-up, really, alas. Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank got into a fight, which ended in a gravely embarrassing way. Sir Arnold is not the least impressed and has a few strong words with The Gentlemen.

„You got an invitation. You really should have come and relaxed a little, Arnold, my old chum! Be it as it may, that you think Woolley is a little thick, but that silly boy surely knows how to throw a party. Have not been to such a great party literally for ages. It was a real blast. Oh man..." Sir Frederick Stewart said and laughed.  
„I see." Sir Arnold Robinson said grumpily and sipped tea. „Interestingly enough, my young niece told me, that the party was a complete disaster. Some people you would least expect it from, got into most inappropriate behaviour."  
„So you know..." Jumbo said and lit a cigar.  
„I've always firmly believed that the freedom of information is vital for running this country." Sir Arnold said with a smirk, then continued in a more serious tone: „If the most senior civil servants behave in such gravely embarrassing manner, then this really is the thin end of the wedge."  
„Well, Humpy and Frank were both wasted and started throwing gravely embarrassing quips with some nice words involved, but I believe it would not have escalated into a real fight without Woolley and Huxley Jr. interfering and by that throwing more oil into fire." Jumbo said.  
„The decadence of this younger generation is simply unprecedented! But you appear most amused, my dear Jumbo?" Sir Arnold said sharply.  
„Be it as it may, but I've personally been waiting for 10 years to see this throw-down finally happening." Jumbo said and laughed again. „As you probably also heard, eventually the four of them fell into a fountain... you would not be so serious about it, my dear Arnold, if you only had seen that million pound sight! They were sufficiently wankered that I had to help fishing them out."  
„Oh, I am sorry! Perhaps you should have let them stay there." Sir Arnold said with a smirk.  
„Ah, don't be too harsh on them, old boy. It was at a closed private party."

_I abhor violence. So trivial. A Bennite solution. One can make oneself much more clear with a few carefully chosen words..._

„Oh my dear, Arnold! What is that supposed to mean? But... but... but... it's not my fault at all! He was asking for it!" Sir Humphrey said, looking at his friend in disbelief. „You see, Frank had way too much liquer at the party. Way too much. Gravely embarrassing. Well, he already talks too much in the first place, but... he started saying... some sordid things... alas..."  
„Sordid things? Such as?" Sir Arnold asked.  
„Sordid things... such as... such as... ahem..." Sir Humphrey appeared ashamed and was clearly looking for words, then suddenly he lit up in a flash of inspiration. „Frank was saying sordid things about YOU, my dear Arnold! But of course I punched him! He was really asking for it, as I told you."  
„I see." Sir Arnold said and added with a smirk. „And the fountain, Humpy?"  
„Arrrnollddd!"

„I did not do absolutely anything, Arnold. Humphrey was completely pissed and turned aggressive. His temper is quite bad, I think you know, and seems to be getting worse. Having the Cabinet Secretary like this is truly gravely embarrassing. Who knows whom he is going to punch next time? And Woolley was only encouraging his excesses like usually, not that he needed further encouragement, alas." Sir Frank said.  
„I see." Sir Arnold said.

„Gosh! Why ask me, Sir Arnold? It was simply my anniversary, everybody was having a good time, really. I had nothing whatsoever to do with this slightly embarrassing fight!" Bernard Woolley sniveled, looking dumb. „My colleague and I tried to stop Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank, as things were getting a little too... direct... but my efforts were not sufficient to avoid the disaster, Sir Arnold."  
„I see." Sir Arnold said.

_Liars. Bad ones._

„Congratulations, Gentlemen!" Sir Arnold said, voice dripping of sarcasm. „While it is customary that trainees set the ultimate standard in annual royal piss-up, then this year, apparently, the trainees have faced a humiliating defeat in their own game by top ranks."  
Noone replied anything.  
Sir Arnold sipped tea, glared at the gentlemen and continued in a snarky tone. „It appears to me that, achieving this triumph requires a particular accumulated collection of talents. Namely, verbal diarrhea, awful temper and dim wit – and excessive quantities of booze fueling those talents, naturally."  
He glanced at his former colleagues once more. They were clearly ashamed.  
He said in a more serious tone: „Vulgarisms, violence... swimming in a fountain... your behaviour has been most improper, my dear fellows! If senior civil servants act like this, then this is the end of civilization as we know it! I give you an opportunity to come clear and explain yourselves once more. Anybody wishing to start?"  
Silence.  
Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank were sharply looking at Bernard.  
Bernard blushed to the shade of a tomato, sighed and started slowly speaking: „I of course am not exactly the sharpest knife, in fact I am not very smart... but it happened during the weekend, it was my 20th wedding anniversary and everybody was having a really good time. If there were some slight misunderstandings, then everything has been settled by now in a gentlemanly manner. And there is not very much to this at all, one way or another. It was a closed private party and only normal people were invited in the first place and able to see this, what might have happened. If anybody were to be held responsible for this incident that might have occurred, then this is obviously me, Sir Arnold, as it was my party. In principle, that is. However, you probably realize, Sir Arnold, that being as dim as me is already a punishment in itself, so noone shoud be punished in practice..."  
„Oh, I am sorry!" Sir Arnold snapped and rolled his eyes. „Difficult to argue, of course, that being you is it's own punishment, boy. But why I invited you here, Gentlemen, has nothing to do with punishment. It's merely about... education. How should I put it into a language, which gets through your thick clowd of dim wit, Woolley? Some people have grave concerns over your soundness... when you struck a deal with Hacker to advance yourself to No 10, I was honestly quite uncertain, whether to be impressed or call foul-play! And you've even been seen with a certain lady of rather dubious repute, pardon me! Gravelly embarrassing!"  
„Thank you, Sir Arnold!" Bernard beamed.  
„What...? That was not supposed to be funny, boy!"  
„You said „gravely embarrassing" and not „very gravely embarrassing"." Bernard said.  
Sir Arnold shook his head: „Your dimness is just incredible... but back to the point, boy. Even though I'll never understand why, this decadent younger generation of Gentlemen appears to see you as some twisted source of inspiration, alas. Really, you ought to consider getting your act together and setting a sounder example!"  
„Yes, Sir Arnold, absolutely." Bernard squirmed and hid his flustered face into his hands.  
Sir Arnold turned away from Bernard.  
„So. Humpy? Frank? You have been oddly silent today. In a way I actually like this. But really, my dear fellows, this was gravely embarrassing... while Woolley can probably get away with saying it was just a normal Saturday night and perhaps not much more can be reasonably expected from that daft boy – then you two really should have known better! I'm appalled!"  
Sir Arnold was not going to pull punches, so to speak.  
„Frank, has anybody ever, by any chance, told you that you talk too much?" Sir Arnold asked sharply and poured himself another tea.  
„Well, yes, Arnold, all the time really..." Sir Frank laughed nervously.  
„You see, Frank, I firmly believe in the freedom of information, of course, but I am also here to see this freedom will not be abused. As I recall – you pledged to me to be more reasonable than your predecessor in The Treasury, and not start throwing mud."  
„Y-yes..." Sir Frank sniveled.  
„But it appears to me, you've become just as big pain as that daft old Huxley Sr. was... and his excuse was that he was completely gaga, alas. What's your excuse?"  
„I beg your pardon?"  
„I said, the poor old chap could be excused on the grounds of having a mental illness, but this excuse does not appear to be credible in your case. Oh, by the way, Frank, now that it entered into discussion, weren't you just way too unappropriately happy over his this poor old chap's early retirement?" Sir Arnold smirked slily.  
„Umh... ahem... Arnold... this is blasphemy! I adored him!" Sir Frank grew flustered all over his face.  
„Be it as it may, Frank, but in a sense you were actually asking to be punched on Saturday. Frequent provocations, slander, and being petty in every possible manner is simply NOT worthy of a Gentleman! Not the least sound, my dear Frank." Sir Arnold snapped. „Do you understand me?"  
„Yes, Arnold..." Frank said and looked down in embarrassment.  
Sir Arnold turned to Sir Humphrey.  
„So, Humpy, do you get witty again or you allow me to get straight to the point and make it quick?" Sir Arnold said.  
„Oh my dear Arnold, I beg you, could we have this discussion in privacy, please?" Sir Humphrey said, clearly disturbed.  
Sir Frank and Bernard were listening with heightened alertness.  
„Certainly not, Humpy! As we are in the premises of Campaign for the Freedom of Information, this would be most improper!" Sir Arnold said with a smirk. „Besides, nothing I could do can embarrass you more in any way than you tend to embarrass yourself."  
„Arnold..." Sir Humphrey mumbled, looking desperately around in the room.

„Do you think he goes off the deep end again?" Sir Frank whispered to Bernard.  
„Gosh! I surely hope not!" Bernard whispered, disturbing imagery flashing through his head.  
„But are you actually willing to bet?"  
„Ahem... depends on, how much."

Sir Arnold continued: „Good, as you do not seem to have much to say, my dear Humpy, I shall be brief then. Resorting to violence is simply NOT acceptable for The Cabinet Secretary under ANY circumstances, but especially regarding his good colleagues. No excuses can be invented, none."  
„Oh my dear Arnold, why do you have to say such an awful thing in such an awful manner?" Sir Humphrey said.  
„Oh I am SO sorry!" Sir Arnold snapped. „In case you got SO pissed you do not remember too much about it and insist upon me saying this in a language closer to your heart, then according to several sources, after an embarrassing exchange of one-upping quips with Frank, which involved fairly saucy words, you got yourself into quite a terrible temper and punched him. And your boy Woolley and his friend, that slightly inbred Huxley Jr. were not exactly discouraging you, pardon me. You all fell into a fountain, but apparently – this kind of a temporary set-back was yet not sufficient for sedating you and putting a full stop to the fight. Eventually you needed some help to get out of the fountain, otherwise you would have probably drowned. This is a complete disaster! I am most appalled! Not the least sound, Humpy!"

„I still think you were a little too harsh to the boys, Arnold." Jumbo said with a headshake and poured tea for Sir Arnold.  
„Oh, please let me finish, Jumbo. I have not even told you the best part." Sir Arnold said. He smirked slily and continued: „I told to these Gentlemen: „But this is the thin end of the wedge! The end of civilization as we know it! Barbarism! Who knows what this might lead to? The abolition of Monarchy? Or finding out, that trainees are capable of doing your jobs better than you are? Which, coincidentally of course, just might happen... unless you, my dear fellows – ALL of you – put a FULL STOP to this tomfoolery RIGHT NOW." Really, Jumbo, seeing their shocked faces and squirming which followed was actually worth all my effort. I think they will behave now for a while at least."

_FIN._


End file.
